by Ross Nobule
Self-confessed Ring Ding fanatic William Makeshire of Midland, Pennsylvania recently bit into his favorite treat…and wasn’t the least bit surprised.
When his teeth came down on the puck-shaped chocolate wonder, Makeshire’s taste buds were pleasantly stroked by the snack cake’s delicious creamy center.
by Elise Merimose
It appears that chocolate-shaming—shaming chocolate lovers for their love of chocolate—is now a thing. And you better get used to it, cos it’s here, and it’s ugly. Last week at an important midtown fashion show, model Rhada Porvacjek was ambushed and attacked while snacking on chocolate M&Ms post-runway. The statuesque beauty was assaulted by a roving pack of chocolate shamers and doused head to toe with a Gatorade-cooler full of Hershey’s syrup. “Feel good?” one of the assailants sarcastically asked as she ran away.
The next day actress Jennifer Lawrence took to social media to shame the shamers:
Lawrence’s post was retweeted over 532,000 times.
But that was just one of the higher profile instances. Sadly, chocolate shaming has become ubiquitous throughout social media, particularly Facebook:
The shaming has become so prevalent that it’s reached the desk of no less than Taylor Swift. In response, the pop princess dropped by the home of the woman who baked the controversial cake, brought along celebrity baker Duff Goldman, and gave an impromptu concert in which she changed the lyrics to one of her most popular tunes and serenaded neighbors and kinfolk with the song “Cake It Off.”
by Ross Nobule
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past year, you’ve likely see the full force of the so-called “War on Chocolate.” It’s an insidious faction of society that believes that chocolate is not only bad for your skin, but is also a mind-altering agent which twists users into feeling a quick relief from stress (“sugar rush” as it is termed in the medical community), until he or she comes crashing down and is left without even the most basic mobile skills for anywhere from 2-5 hours. Proponents of the War on Chocolate have even taken to name-calling within social media. But one young girl from Arley, Alabama has had enough and wants it to end now. Rachel Dale, 15, took to Twitter this past weekend and in one concise tweet, completely shut down the War on Chocolate movement:
Online support has been swift and plentiful. Although we expect that this is just an opening salvo back towards a controversial movement, the fact remains that the world needs more brave people like Rachel Dale.
by Marisa Raney
If you’re like most people, the way you’ve enjoyed chocolate is the common experience of gently shoving it (whether it be in bar, stick, or puck form) up your nostrils, then agonizingly waiting for it to make its way through the nasal cavity, until it finally drops down into the trachea. But what if we told you that there is a far easier way to enjoy your decadent delights? And what if we told you it was recently discovered by a Cambodian minister? First, resist the natural urge to shove the chocolate up your nose. Next, slowly lower the chocolate until it’s even with your mouth. If the chocolate grazes your chin you’ve gone too far. With the chocolate level with your lips, stick it in your mouth and chew it with your teeth in an up-and-down fashion. When finished, swallow—it’s as simple as that!
So next time you’re at a party or an out-of-control baptism and someone offers you chocolate, impress them with your new knowledge. We trust you’ll never eat chocolate the same way again.